What am I doing?

This is some long, strange phase of 'recovery' that I thought I could pull. Ignoring the scale, inventing new philosophies to support why I should not care about how I look to the point of obsession, sickness and exhaustion. Really all I did was chose to stop caring about the one last thing in my life that I cared about by the time I hit rock bottom...the eating disorder. Once you REALLY stop caring about everything, including everything you believed, did, saw that led up to that disorder, happiness, thinness, everything basically except acting on whatever is left of your survival instincts, you WILL get 'better'.
But only to a point. Your mind won't run on empty, just like your body. You have to fill in the gaps with something healthy or you'll only return to the unhealthy, slowly....
Exhibit A: myself.

Problem is, I am fat now.

And I haven't had the creative energy, passion, give-a-damn to find out what I'm putting back in yet. And so I slip up, binge, purge, now and again. But it's more a "oh I felt this urge just now' not a day-to-day lifestyle. I may go three weeks eating as I please. Things will be good, then I will act like a bulimic for 2-3 days, then things....will be good. And as far as I was concerned, the days I vomited non-stop were good too. Because my life doesn't revolve around 'THAT'. That's sort of what goes through my head at the time anyway.
But. If I'm going to do all this pseudo-eating-disorder bullshit, continue to risk my health, stress over food now and again, then why the fuck do I settle with remaining fat?
The problem isn't going away for now, so I may as well see results.

"Well you're just going to make the problem worse aren't you?"
No, I'm just going to make the problem effective. Make it worth something, since it isn't disappearing anyways. The disorder is here to stay, never left and I don't imagine it leaving any time soon. The difference is: now that I can admit that to myself, I will just tailor things so that I eat and purge less (eg. eat less garbage food AND therefore eliminate the largest sources of my triggers for purging) That itself cannot be bad. I'm going to make sure I lose weight, instead of settle for a three day weekend of binging and purging now and then, that ONLY does damage to my body without the loss of a mere ounce to at least console myself with.
If anything I will end up healthier. And unlike in the past, I do not have some ridiculous goal of an incredibly underweight, deathly range.

Plus, there is no way anything could make me go back to the way I was before. When I was anorexic and finally hit rock bottom. It's inconceivable. And there is no way to fully explain how I know this so surely and I'm not going to try because only somebody in precisely my state with precisely my past would begin to understand what I am saying anyway. So if anyone wants to argue me on that one, have fun wasting your time. This isn't a relapse, it's a re-make of something that is still here, but in a different form.

So basically, this is a weight loss plan that doesn't promise to stay 'normal' or 'non-eating disordered' to sum it up. I don't promise to avoid extremes, or absurdities now and then. Stuff most people wouldn't do to lose weight. I don't promise to be a healthy example of how to lose weight. Nor am I a great model for pro-anorexics/bulimics.
I don't idolize eating disorders but I can't idolize normal right now either.


I don't know my actual weight right now, but I have had so much fluid today that I will not weight for my 'start weight' til tomorrow morning.
I know it is in the 160s (lbs)
I am 5 foot 6.

I will be posting body shots as I go along.