Something for something.

I had to come back and post this for my own use and inspiration.....
I got an email from a friend, and she had sent me old pictures she found of us in Florida in highschool. I remember this year quite well. It was before I went anorexic actually. So...this happened to be a pretty complete body shot, tho I happen to know those capri pants made me look really weird in this picture (and in real life, I had them for years...) and not entirely accurate of how my upper thighs really were. Nonetheless, I can still use it to help me. The thing is, I am 135 pounds in this picture. (I remember getting weighed in gym class....I think I probably remember what I weighed every year of my life since then). This is at 5'6. And look at the size of my HEAD. Okay, the one I drew over it to conceal my face, is very much larger. But my real head? It's TINY. (So, just believe me on that....) And my body should be sooo much more narrow. So if I look like this at 135lbs (and had lots of muscle from walking and working out at this time, but clearly plenty of flab overlaying)....well 135 is like the mid-way point for what is healthy for my height I think. I really truly do NEED to get down to the lowest healthy for my weight, according to my bone structure. I am sure of it. Otherwise I will go through life looking awkward like THIS. Argh...
My chest looks fleshsy and mis-shapen (not that it was anywhere close to done growing, but still....ew...haha). My hips were a lot narrower at this point in time, thank goodness tho, because something had to grow to create the illusion of a waistline, seriously.....
Okay, I'm probably getting ridiculous and no doubt still have major body image issues. But then again, looking back, at a picture like this, of me, i don't blame distorted body perception for my starting to diet and starve myself at all. I was not exactly hot or spectacular looking in any way possible. Omg I will never let my thighs get that muscular again tho, either.....so weird....
I was trail biking sometimes 4 hours a night after school back then.....

I keep saying shit and then thinking wow, my body grew and changed so much since then, why does any of this even apply....why would I let myself freak over this picture...and decide my goals based on it....lol...and then the next minute, i just can't help it, it's almost infuriating. Maybe the fact that when I did finally lose weight and become underweight that year, I never ever ever once felt I looked any different, and nicer, and in fact felse worse and uglier....and I'm not over it or something. In some stupid juvenile way. It's almost like, sometimes, I want to get back down to that lowest weight, whatever it was roughly, and this time SEE IT, and enjoy it. Actually experience it in place of some distorted idea of what I am.



OK. So to create some counterbalance, here's a photo I found recently that I found rather inspiring and triggering..... Katherine McPhee's dog.
Yeh. lol....no, it's her of course. There is something about her that reminds me of me, and this particular picture I really liked. So it'll be good for thinspo. She's not like super emaciated or anything, it's my own personal preference I guess, here....





So this is the 2nd post I've made today, and I should probably stop being a night owl and shuttup and go to sleep. I slept all night last night, and then til 4pm, plus feeling not sick anymore, so naturally I am wired and ready to take on the universe, at 4am. (Blogger's time is completely off for me, btw....anyone know how to set that?)

Okay, later!