I am 165. Down one pound. But that's likely only the absence of my usual amount of food lingering in my system, not 'real weight'.
It's a sign of things moving in the right direction I hope, anyhow.
I should also mention, I am 165lbs WITH all the food I've eaten today....
Maybe I'll be down another pound in the morning.
I don't feel terribly motivated to list everything I ate today, but it involved vegetables and popcorn which is good enough for now. I tried to fast when I woke up but I had to play music for a church event and felt like I'd pass out and fail to focus/perform if I didn't have some nutrition. Blast those days of responsibilites....:-P
Tomorrow there is a big gross church breakfast first thing in the morning and I am supposed to go with mom to help out but I am thinking of bailing because I doubt I'll be strong enough yet to deal with it all, the boredom, the abundance of food combined....etc etc....
I'm so hungry right now but it feels fabulous. I can tolerate hunger beautifully until I get a strong craving or feel too weak and fuzzled to function. Then I get extremely panicked that I won't be able to accomplish anything that day.
I never used to be like that. I don't know how I did it. I would go days with nothing, maybe an apple one evening, tons of water, maybe a bowl of watery soup, go to all my classes at school, all my other activities, and exercise like a maniac. I really don't know how it was possible, I'm so far away from how I used to be it seems insane.
31.1.09
I had scrambled eggs at 8am
A bowl of macaroni and cheese at 9pm, on some horrid impulse. I am actually appalled, it was this sudden hunger fit. Normally I get hungry a couple hours after a meal. I had a lasting anti-hunger. Not just "not hungry" but the idea of eating seemed offensive and I had no cravings or pangs. I had no appetite all day long, and then suddenly at 9pm I was ravenous and faint.
Odd.
Seriously tho, I can't be eating eggs, stuff with cheese on it, pasta and feel proud of myself at the end of the day. Give me the same amount of calories in vegetables and I will have no regrets. Why do I eat things that are health destroying to start this off....bleh....
I was so sleep deprived and thinking so foggily that I really didn't give a damn, or stay focused. And I am so far away from regular practice of self-control these days that this shouldn't be any surprise. At least I didn't eat a lot. But why do I so easily forget foods that are actually valuable to my health...
Eggs aren't the worst but I doubt I need the cholesterol.
Pasta is evil and there was a time when I wouldn't even touch whole wheat or multi grain pasta let alone this cheap refined muck of a 'food' suffocated in cheese.
That description was a major turn off. Good.
Whatever the case, as far as food quantity goes, today was still better than recent days past, and tomorrow will be even better.
I didn't weigh myself and I am thinking I will wait for morning. I need to do a body shot tomorrow or the next day. I want one before I start to lose any weight. I want to be able to look back and see where I've come from.
Anyhow....goodnight! Sooo spaced out...
A bowl of macaroni and cheese at 9pm, on some horrid impulse. I am actually appalled, it was this sudden hunger fit. Normally I get hungry a couple hours after a meal. I had a lasting anti-hunger. Not just "not hungry" but the idea of eating seemed offensive and I had no cravings or pangs. I had no appetite all day long, and then suddenly at 9pm I was ravenous and faint.
Odd.
Seriously tho, I can't be eating eggs, stuff with cheese on it, pasta and feel proud of myself at the end of the day. Give me the same amount of calories in vegetables and I will have no regrets. Why do I eat things that are health destroying to start this off....bleh....
I was so sleep deprived and thinking so foggily that I really didn't give a damn, or stay focused. And I am so far away from regular practice of self-control these days that this shouldn't be any surprise. At least I didn't eat a lot. But why do I so easily forget foods that are actually valuable to my health...
Eggs aren't the worst but I doubt I need the cholesterol.
Pasta is evil and there was a time when I wouldn't even touch whole wheat or multi grain pasta let alone this cheap refined muck of a 'food' suffocated in cheese.
That description was a major turn off. Good.
Whatever the case, as far as food quantity goes, today was still better than recent days past, and tomorrow will be even better.
I didn't weigh myself and I am thinking I will wait for morning. I need to do a body shot tomorrow or the next day. I want one before I start to lose any weight. I want to be able to look back and see where I've come from.
Anyhow....goodnight! Sooo spaced out...
30.1.09
Well, I had to come back to report one good thing.
I stayed up all night researching and writing so that I can get this job that is probably way out of my league. Ugh. But YAY
It's a drug rehabilitation centre position. Too tired to explain more. It scares the shit out of me, because I am not the most steady, confident person. But I need it, I need the experience and the chance to grow up a little, and get used to real work in the real world, and new settings....
Is this retarded.....I am significantly (not primarily, but significantly - don't get me wrong) motivated to apply for this job because I can buy several sets of those nurse's scrubs and never have to be terribly responsible for finding my own outfits that look 'right' on my body. I was already looking through walmart, saw some scrubs with cute pictures on them and was like.....I'm going to get that job so I can buy these.....
LOL
How about I need the job because I'm in HUGE student loan debt and living off of parents, not to mention, far too old to be doing that.....
Scrubs huh. I bet they make good PJs too....
Anyway, I just finished my cover letter and Resume. I was procrastinating so long. Now I am really excited. It'll all be submitted and time to wait for the interview, tomorrow....it'll be a good feeling.
I stayed up all night researching and writing so that I can get this job that is probably way out of my league. Ugh. But YAY
It's a drug rehabilitation centre position. Too tired to explain more. It scares the shit out of me, because I am not the most steady, confident person. But I need it, I need the experience and the chance to grow up a little, and get used to real work in the real world, and new settings....
Is this retarded.....I am significantly (not primarily, but significantly - don't get me wrong) motivated to apply for this job because I can buy several sets of those nurse's scrubs and never have to be terribly responsible for finding my own outfits that look 'right' on my body. I was already looking through walmart, saw some scrubs with cute pictures on them and was like.....I'm going to get that job so I can buy these.....
LOL
How about I need the job because I'm in HUGE student loan debt and living off of parents, not to mention, far too old to be doing that.....
Scrubs huh. I bet they make good PJs too....
Anyway, I just finished my cover letter and Resume. I was procrastinating so long. Now I am really excited. It'll all be submitted and time to wait for the interview, tomorrow....it'll be a good feeling.
I guess this is what I am doing.
I weighed myself thinking I should be devoid enough of excess liquid and digested substances....lol
166 lbs, and 5ft 6 inches...
It is pretty horrendous. For me, anyhow. I am small boned so for me to carry 166 lbs means its more fat than a large boned person would have, and I am even more flesh than the average 166 pound individual of my gender and height most likely. Oh well. Whatever. Moving on.
I'm going to give the 'extreme thing' a try right off the bat. I just want to see what I can do under pressure, something I've run from very intentionally these last few years.
In Feb - Lose 20 lbs
In Mar - Lose 13 lbs
In April - Lose 13 lbs
Simple does it...
See, it's not likely to actually work out to those numbers, but its a bit of something to start with. I am making my first 'major goal' 120 lbs final weight.
Any further down than that, if I feel it is necessary, would not go lower than 113, which is precisely on the line of underweight/normal for my height and bone structure, according to a possibly outdated chart....lol
So, here is a tentative plan for several days or so. It is not strategic, it is the variety I am trying to look at here....that is it. And then moving into a 'high protein' spell, which tends to kick start weight loss for me. Then as I feel more in-tune with how I will be responding to this, physically and emotionally, I will decide how to do the rest.
Today - hard boiled egg, raw veggies rest of day, one 'garbage' item, greens+ drink. No calorie counting.
Saturday - Fast all day, light popcorn/fruit snack in evening
Sunday - Fruit and raw veggies
Monday - Start high protein regime, stay on it for 2 weeks......
Honestly, yes, I'll be honest, I dunno if I can do this sort of semi-healthy stuff without going into all-or-nothing mode, or wanting to just completely fast, or what the hell will happen to me. I haven't tried to 'get control' so long. But one look at my body, and you know that eating disorder or not, it's about time to 'get control'. No doubt about it.
I am going to take and post a body shot tomorrow so we can all look back in a month and notice 20 pounds missing. lol
166 lbs, and 5ft 6 inches...
It is pretty horrendous. For me, anyhow. I am small boned so for me to carry 166 lbs means its more fat than a large boned person would have, and I am even more flesh than the average 166 pound individual of my gender and height most likely. Oh well. Whatever. Moving on.
I'm going to give the 'extreme thing' a try right off the bat. I just want to see what I can do under pressure, something I've run from very intentionally these last few years.
In Feb - Lose 20 lbs
In Mar - Lose 13 lbs
In April - Lose 13 lbs
Simple does it...
See, it's not likely to actually work out to those numbers, but its a bit of something to start with. I am making my first 'major goal' 120 lbs final weight.
Any further down than that, if I feel it is necessary, would not go lower than 113, which is precisely on the line of underweight/normal for my height and bone structure, according to a possibly outdated chart....lol
So, here is a tentative plan for several days or so. It is not strategic, it is the variety I am trying to look at here....that is it. And then moving into a 'high protein' spell, which tends to kick start weight loss for me. Then as I feel more in-tune with how I will be responding to this, physically and emotionally, I will decide how to do the rest.
Today - hard boiled egg, raw veggies rest of day, one 'garbage' item, greens+ drink. No calorie counting.
Saturday - Fast all day, light popcorn/fruit snack in evening
Sunday - Fruit and raw veggies
Monday - Start high protein regime, stay on it for 2 weeks......
Honestly, yes, I'll be honest, I dunno if I can do this sort of semi-healthy stuff without going into all-or-nothing mode, or wanting to just completely fast, or what the hell will happen to me. I haven't tried to 'get control' so long. But one look at my body, and you know that eating disorder or not, it's about time to 'get control'. No doubt about it.
I am going to take and post a body shot tomorrow so we can all look back in a month and notice 20 pounds missing. lol
29.1.09
What am I doing?
This is some long, strange phase of 'recovery' that I thought I could pull. Ignoring the scale, inventing new philosophies to support why I should not care about how I look to the point of obsession, sickness and exhaustion. Really all I did was chose to stop caring about the one last thing in my life that I cared about by the time I hit rock bottom...the eating disorder. Once you REALLY stop caring about everything, including everything you believed, did, saw that led up to that disorder, happiness, thinness, everything basically except acting on whatever is left of your survival instincts, you WILL get 'better'.
But only to a point. Your mind won't run on empty, just like your body. You have to fill in the gaps with something healthy or you'll only return to the unhealthy, slowly....
Exhibit A: myself.
Problem is, I am fat now.
And I haven't had the creative energy, passion, give-a-damn to find out what I'm putting back in yet. And so I slip up, binge, purge, now and again. But it's more a "oh I felt this urge just now' not a day-to-day lifestyle. I may go three weeks eating as I please. Things will be good, then I will act like a bulimic for 2-3 days, then things....will be good. And as far as I was concerned, the days I vomited non-stop were good too. Because my life doesn't revolve around 'THAT'. That's sort of what goes through my head at the time anyway.
But. If I'm going to do all this pseudo-eating-disorder bullshit, continue to risk my health, stress over food now and again, then why the fuck do I settle with remaining fat?
The problem isn't going away for now, so I may as well see results.
"Well you're just going to make the problem worse aren't you?"
No, I'm just going to make the problem effective. Make it worth something, since it isn't disappearing anyways. The disorder is here to stay, never left and I don't imagine it leaving any time soon. The difference is: now that I can admit that to myself, I will just tailor things so that I eat and purge less (eg. eat less garbage food AND therefore eliminate the largest sources of my triggers for purging) That itself cannot be bad. I'm going to make sure I lose weight, instead of settle for a three day weekend of binging and purging now and then, that ONLY does damage to my body without the loss of a mere ounce to at least console myself with.
If anything I will end up healthier. And unlike in the past, I do not have some ridiculous goal of an incredibly underweight, deathly range.
Plus, there is no way anything could make me go back to the way I was before. When I was anorexic and finally hit rock bottom. It's inconceivable. And there is no way to fully explain how I know this so surely and I'm not going to try because only somebody in precisely my state with precisely my past would begin to understand what I am saying anyway. So if anyone wants to argue me on that one, have fun wasting your time. This isn't a relapse, it's a re-make of something that is still here, but in a different form.
So basically, this is a weight loss plan that doesn't promise to stay 'normal' or 'non-eating disordered' to sum it up. I don't promise to avoid extremes, or absurdities now and then. Stuff most people wouldn't do to lose weight. I don't promise to be a healthy example of how to lose weight. Nor am I a great model for pro-anorexics/bulimics.
I don't idolize eating disorders but I can't idolize normal right now either.
I don't know my actual weight right now, but I have had so much fluid today that I will not weight for my 'start weight' til tomorrow morning.
I know it is in the 160s (lbs)
I am 5 foot 6.
I will be posting body shots as I go along.
But only to a point. Your mind won't run on empty, just like your body. You have to fill in the gaps with something healthy or you'll only return to the unhealthy, slowly....
Exhibit A: myself.
Problem is, I am fat now.
And I haven't had the creative energy, passion, give-a-damn to find out what I'm putting back in yet. And so I slip up, binge, purge, now and again. But it's more a "oh I felt this urge just now' not a day-to-day lifestyle. I may go three weeks eating as I please. Things will be good, then I will act like a bulimic for 2-3 days, then things....will be good. And as far as I was concerned, the days I vomited non-stop were good too. Because my life doesn't revolve around 'THAT'. That's sort of what goes through my head at the time anyway.
But. If I'm going to do all this pseudo-eating-disorder bullshit, continue to risk my health, stress over food now and again, then why the fuck do I settle with remaining fat?
The problem isn't going away for now, so I may as well see results.
"Well you're just going to make the problem worse aren't you?"
No, I'm just going to make the problem effective. Make it worth something, since it isn't disappearing anyways. The disorder is here to stay, never left and I don't imagine it leaving any time soon. The difference is: now that I can admit that to myself, I will just tailor things so that I eat and purge less (eg. eat less garbage food AND therefore eliminate the largest sources of my triggers for purging) That itself cannot be bad. I'm going to make sure I lose weight, instead of settle for a three day weekend of binging and purging now and then, that ONLY does damage to my body without the loss of a mere ounce to at least console myself with.
If anything I will end up healthier. And unlike in the past, I do not have some ridiculous goal of an incredibly underweight, deathly range.
Plus, there is no way anything could make me go back to the way I was before. When I was anorexic and finally hit rock bottom. It's inconceivable. And there is no way to fully explain how I know this so surely and I'm not going to try because only somebody in precisely my state with precisely my past would begin to understand what I am saying anyway. So if anyone wants to argue me on that one, have fun wasting your time. This isn't a relapse, it's a re-make of something that is still here, but in a different form.
So basically, this is a weight loss plan that doesn't promise to stay 'normal' or 'non-eating disordered' to sum it up. I don't promise to avoid extremes, or absurdities now and then. Stuff most people wouldn't do to lose weight. I don't promise to be a healthy example of how to lose weight. Nor am I a great model for pro-anorexics/bulimics.
I don't idolize eating disorders but I can't idolize normal right now either.
I don't know my actual weight right now, but I have had so much fluid today that I will not weight for my 'start weight' til tomorrow morning.
I know it is in the 160s (lbs)
I am 5 foot 6.
I will be posting body shots as I go along.
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