Baaaaah..humbug.
So I dunno where that came from but I am feeling inspired today. Does anyone else notice it's sort of a rush/high to sit down and write out all the numbers, a new plan, when you'll hit this weight and that weight, and how much you'll eat, what you won't eat, what numbers you won't exceed....
I lost my ability to actually stick to anything I wrote down, quite a long time ago. But that doesn't stop me from trying again lol. It feels good, like I have the solution, the control, or at least the start of it....it makes things look possible, the future predictable, and if you're only going to get thinner and thinner, then, why, thing can only feel better and better, right!?!?!
Omg I know too well this isn't true either. But shit....I can't stop myself. I had to do it, and I'm going to try and stick to it.
Shortly after I was newly bulimic (which means, actually fit the criteria more than enough and was totally lost to it, with scarcely any of my past anorexic behaviours remaining...) I got very addicted to binging on chocolate bars. I had to sell them for a band trip, but I ended up eating them far too often.
I would binge on the chocolate starting around my last class at school in the afternoon and keep going til evening, throwing in the casual purge (umm excuse that description lol)
After every few days of this I would grow sick of it, myself, and my weight etc, and then I would sit down and write out my plan of how I would completely stop the binging/purging from now on and lose all the weight super fast, and so on. And I would always plan to start it 'tomorrow' so during my plan-writing, happily engage in one last binge...
It was a recurring experience in my life at that time, as I would rarely stick to my plan more than a day. I finally 'stuck' to stuff again my 2nd year university, was restricting, etc, back to all that....then went right back into the bulimia, weight gain, whatever, EDNOS really I guess....and haven't really truly 'stuck' to anything since.
I dunno. I need to do something right tho....
And I don't plan for the extremes that I used to think were necessary...I've learned....
Trying to be healthier about it I guess.
But nothing beats finally getting back to restricting effectively, to the point of seeing the scale change rapidly.
Speaking of which, I'm back down to 163 lbs today. LOL....must have been water weight after all...
29.3.09
High.
Yeah. I is high.
I don't particularly wish to discuss what I am on or why lol...
But typing feels really cool. What better time to come around and write in my blog....
I do have news. I'm up to 169 lbs.
How the heck........ ... ......... . .. ..... ...... !!!!!!!!
I'll survive.
I suck, I have genuinely lost control of my eating habits in the opposite direction of my past habits.
Or something. Other possibilities exist: period coming soon, have been eating tons of salty soup for my aching throat (caught a bug)
I haven't been eating that much, i've been exercising a lot. I always hold on to weight horribly when I start exercising. I don't know why. It hasn't been long enough to gain a bunch of muscle weight. I think my body reacts by hoarding water weight for my muscles or something that possibly isn't scientifically sound that I could come up with to make myself feel better lol
It's 5:30am where I am. I am sick. I should be asleep. But instead I am enjoying recreational mind alteration and bitching on blogger....
Sounds fine to me!
Omg I love my cat.......
Ummm...bummm.....blah. I can't wait for spring to really set in!
I saw the fattest robins today. They were so...FAT!!!!!! How can those buggers even fly...
The one in my driveway....I watched him for 15 minutes. I thought his spindly little legs were going to break. Maybe it's a she and she's going to lay some fat blue eggs soon, and that's why she looked like a basketball on stilts.
Do robins look pregnant when they are soon to lay eggs? I imagine birds just magically pop out eggs when nobody expects or is looking, and that they never 'look pregnant'
Fuck I wish that was my excuse lol....
Fat robins!!!!
I'ma go try and lay some eggs and see if I lose 50 pounds overnight....
Imagine being an emu.....those are some big effin eggs....ew....
Birds are just weird. I don't quite understand much about being a bird yet, or I imagine I wouldn't feel this way. They're so alien....
Imagine if we were all birds but with human intellect and civilisation at this level, etc. The consequences of being fat would mean we couldn't fly anymore. What a miserable way to end up feeling like some kind of outsider/reject right....
And then people would get plastic surgery to have bigger wings or something. Err....us birds, that is. Cuz we wouldn't be people....if we were birds lol...yeah....
That would suck balls.
But seriously, like.....do animals living in the wild get weight problems? I think this is majorly a human problem. A result of higher intelligence and a complicated psyche.
The only animals that commonly become morbidly obese seem to be domesticated house pets....animals directly under our care!!!!
If we were dumb animals we wouldn't be manufacturing all this plasticy chemical laden addicting food and spend more of our time in the woods looking for food instead of filling carts with calorie dense foods once a week and sitting on our asses for the rest of it :-P
Ok obviously I'm not speaking for everyone here, but just a thought.
Dammit....
We should start a movement where we donate all our newborns to the wilderness to become feral children raised by packs of wolves...ok I'm definitely kidding.......
Really gotta go to sleep.
I don't particularly wish to discuss what I am on or why lol...
But typing feels really cool. What better time to come around and write in my blog....
I do have news. I'm up to 169 lbs.
How the heck........ ... ......... . .. ..... ...... !!!!!!!!
I'll survive.
I suck, I have genuinely lost control of my eating habits in the opposite direction of my past habits.
Or something. Other possibilities exist: period coming soon, have been eating tons of salty soup for my aching throat (caught a bug)
I haven't been eating that much, i've been exercising a lot. I always hold on to weight horribly when I start exercising. I don't know why. It hasn't been long enough to gain a bunch of muscle weight. I think my body reacts by hoarding water weight for my muscles or something that possibly isn't scientifically sound that I could come up with to make myself feel better lol
It's 5:30am where I am. I am sick. I should be asleep. But instead I am enjoying recreational mind alteration and bitching on blogger....
Sounds fine to me!
Omg I love my cat.......
Ummm...bummm.....blah. I can't wait for spring to really set in!
I saw the fattest robins today. They were so...FAT!!!!!! How can those buggers even fly...
The one in my driveway....I watched him for 15 minutes. I thought his spindly little legs were going to break. Maybe it's a she and she's going to lay some fat blue eggs soon, and that's why she looked like a basketball on stilts.
Do robins look pregnant when they are soon to lay eggs? I imagine birds just magically pop out eggs when nobody expects or is looking, and that they never 'look pregnant'
Fuck I wish that was my excuse lol....
Fat robins!!!!
I'ma go try and lay some eggs and see if I lose 50 pounds overnight....
Imagine being an emu.....those are some big effin eggs....ew....
Birds are just weird. I don't quite understand much about being a bird yet, or I imagine I wouldn't feel this way. They're so alien....
Imagine if we were all birds but with human intellect and civilisation at this level, etc. The consequences of being fat would mean we couldn't fly anymore. What a miserable way to end up feeling like some kind of outsider/reject right....
And then people would get plastic surgery to have bigger wings or something. Err....us birds, that is. Cuz we wouldn't be people....if we were birds lol...yeah....
That would suck balls.
But seriously, like.....do animals living in the wild get weight problems? I think this is majorly a human problem. A result of higher intelligence and a complicated psyche.
The only animals that commonly become morbidly obese seem to be domesticated house pets....animals directly under our care!!!!
If we were dumb animals we wouldn't be manufacturing all this plasticy chemical laden addicting food and spend more of our time in the woods looking for food instead of filling carts with calorie dense foods once a week and sitting on our asses for the rest of it :-P
Ok obviously I'm not speaking for everyone here, but just a thought.
Dammit....
We should start a movement where we donate all our newborns to the wilderness to become feral children raised by packs of wolves...ok I'm definitely kidding.......
Really gotta go to sleep.
27.3.09
Happy Spring....
SO I've been totally missing in action....
I don't know quite how long. I'll have to check the date of my last post.
I've been amazingly busy with work and other stuff going on but doing well :)
Well, mentally, I feel well, better than normal. But I haven't been losing weight or at least I highly doubt it (I won't weigh myself, I'm afraid of how shitty it will feel to face the truth lol....I never used to be like thi...)
I can say, I have been exercising pretty much every single day. Mostly cardio, but I really need to get back into doing crunches, stuff like that...muscles!! I need them....lol
I feel sort of triggerred by the change in the weather. It is suddenly becoming quite warm out, and frequently sunny. I see spring clothes, some summer stuff even, coming into the stores around here, and I start thinking, omg I always feel so gross and fat and horrid and icky in more revealing clothes, especially during hot weather....I can't be like this yet ANOTHER effing summer in a row.
Plus my sister is getting married this summer and I REFUSE to be fat for that. It's been a long long long time since I felt thin and pleasant looking for a family event. Last time I was skinny at a family event, it was my grandfather's funeral. Yeah, I know it's retarded and slightly obsessive to care/remember, but I guess that's the ED....
I always felt disgusting being around all my aunts and cousins that all seem gorgeous, and totally hip and confident and such....
My mom has a huge family btw....so there are a ton of them lol...
And their all super talented, hysterical artists, and it makes everything so fun and inspiring....
But of course feeling fat somehow has to overshadow it all. lol...figures huh...
Anyway, back to my point..ummm....
Yeah. I am off to a good start with the exercise, but the food....omg I've been eating so much. I want to lose at least 15 pounds for my first goal (as you may have noticed I failed miserably on my last 'plan')
I've been purging a lot more lately, but I plan on putting that to a stop before it gets out of hand. It comes too easily and ugh....then it just wears me out. And then when I get phyiscally exhausted I tend to eat worse and more impulsively.
I dunno. I just can't believe it's the end of March and I have nothing to show for it. At least my figure has nothing to show for it....
My sister is coming to visit the end of April and she is OBSESSED with dieting and exercising and shit and cleansing fasts, ever since she decided she wanted to fit into a certain size for her wedding. She likes to imagine that I have no regard for my health (she has no idea about my ED) that I don't KNOW anything about health, calories, nutrients....like she's actually a damned snot about it and acts like she knows better than me. Hello...this has been my fucking obsession since I was 13, 14 ish....she doesn't seem to remember that pretty much EVERY book on health in our home, or bit of info or half the stuff she's learned was a direct result of me, when she was a kid, picking up on it as she grew interested (in highschool she decided she wanted to learn about becoming a naturopath and ended up going through all the books in our house related to health, so it was maybe moreso then)
Ugh ok rambling...
How do I say this...
I guess I don't want to feel like my fat ass is going to 'prove' to her that I am 'disregarding' my health, and have no control over myself. It's not so much because I have to prove myself to her, but that it would kind of feel like a victory for me, and at the same time she'll have no right to make any comments if she comes home to find out I've made far more progress than she has since she got engaged. She's lost like...5 pounds....lol and that's great for her, she's not even large to start with, and she likes the whole healthy 'slow and steady' thing (which is smart but I doubt I could handle it haha)
I guess I feel competitive. And partly that I've craved some real-time competition for a while in hopes it would 'trigger' me back on track. Blah....
But it feels even better if it's somebody who has criticized your body and eating habits in the past, to one-up them on weight loss or anything like that.
At the same time, it'll be great to motivate eachother to exercise and all that too.
Ok. So I am going to assume I am back around 165lbs. My first goal is obviously then, 150 (-15)
But ultimately, I'd like to think that I can get down to 145 before she gets here. Then I will be well under the 'overweight' line for my BMI and feel somewhat good, and that is a weight that looked rather ok on me (compared to 160, 170 something)
Not thin, but much much better lol
I am saying this based on photos, I of course thought I looked hideous last time I was at that weight, because I was gaining after having been anorexic and still had some major body image distortion...
So I hope the photos I have from then are not lying lol
Anyway, maybe by the end of April I will manage to hit 130. By then we'll be getting some even warmer weather, and I should feel a heck of a lot better about it by then..
That's all I'll 'plan' for, for now....
Going to sleep!
I don't know quite how long. I'll have to check the date of my last post.
I've been amazingly busy with work and other stuff going on but doing well :)
Well, mentally, I feel well, better than normal. But I haven't been losing weight or at least I highly doubt it (I won't weigh myself, I'm afraid of how shitty it will feel to face the truth lol....I never used to be like thi...)
I can say, I have been exercising pretty much every single day. Mostly cardio, but I really need to get back into doing crunches, stuff like that...muscles!! I need them....lol
I feel sort of triggerred by the change in the weather. It is suddenly becoming quite warm out, and frequently sunny. I see spring clothes, some summer stuff even, coming into the stores around here, and I start thinking, omg I always feel so gross and fat and horrid and icky in more revealing clothes, especially during hot weather....I can't be like this yet ANOTHER effing summer in a row.
Plus my sister is getting married this summer and I REFUSE to be fat for that. It's been a long long long time since I felt thin and pleasant looking for a family event. Last time I was skinny at a family event, it was my grandfather's funeral. Yeah, I know it's retarded and slightly obsessive to care/remember, but I guess that's the ED....
I always felt disgusting being around all my aunts and cousins that all seem gorgeous, and totally hip and confident and such....
My mom has a huge family btw....so there are a ton of them lol...
And their all super talented, hysterical artists, and it makes everything so fun and inspiring....
But of course feeling fat somehow has to overshadow it all. lol...figures huh...
Anyway, back to my point..ummm....
Yeah. I am off to a good start with the exercise, but the food....omg I've been eating so much. I want to lose at least 15 pounds for my first goal (as you may have noticed I failed miserably on my last 'plan')
I've been purging a lot more lately, but I plan on putting that to a stop before it gets out of hand. It comes too easily and ugh....then it just wears me out. And then when I get phyiscally exhausted I tend to eat worse and more impulsively.
I dunno. I just can't believe it's the end of March and I have nothing to show for it. At least my figure has nothing to show for it....
My sister is coming to visit the end of April and she is OBSESSED with dieting and exercising and shit and cleansing fasts, ever since she decided she wanted to fit into a certain size for her wedding. She likes to imagine that I have no regard for my health (she has no idea about my ED) that I don't KNOW anything about health, calories, nutrients....like she's actually a damned snot about it and acts like she knows better than me. Hello...this has been my fucking obsession since I was 13, 14 ish....she doesn't seem to remember that pretty much EVERY book on health in our home, or bit of info or half the stuff she's learned was a direct result of me, when she was a kid, picking up on it as she grew interested (in highschool she decided she wanted to learn about becoming a naturopath and ended up going through all the books in our house related to health, so it was maybe moreso then)
Ugh ok rambling...
How do I say this...
I guess I don't want to feel like my fat ass is going to 'prove' to her that I am 'disregarding' my health, and have no control over myself. It's not so much because I have to prove myself to her, but that it would kind of feel like a victory for me, and at the same time she'll have no right to make any comments if she comes home to find out I've made far more progress than she has since she got engaged. She's lost like...5 pounds....lol and that's great for her, she's not even large to start with, and she likes the whole healthy 'slow and steady' thing (which is smart but I doubt I could handle it haha)
I guess I feel competitive. And partly that I've craved some real-time competition for a while in hopes it would 'trigger' me back on track. Blah....
But it feels even better if it's somebody who has criticized your body and eating habits in the past, to one-up them on weight loss or anything like that.
At the same time, it'll be great to motivate eachother to exercise and all that too.
Ok. So I am going to assume I am back around 165lbs. My first goal is obviously then, 150 (-15)
But ultimately, I'd like to think that I can get down to 145 before she gets here. Then I will be well under the 'overweight' line for my BMI and feel somewhat good, and that is a weight that looked rather ok on me (compared to 160, 170 something)
Not thin, but much much better lol
I am saying this based on photos, I of course thought I looked hideous last time I was at that weight, because I was gaining after having been anorexic and still had some major body image distortion...
So I hope the photos I have from then are not lying lol
Anyway, maybe by the end of April I will manage to hit 130. By then we'll be getting some even warmer weather, and I should feel a heck of a lot better about it by then..
That's all I'll 'plan' for, for now....
Going to sleep!
11.3.09
Wowsarszzz!!!! Errmm.. hi.
So......
I'm so nervous about going to work right now. I'm eating tons of carbs.......
I was supposed to be sleeping. Instead I downed 2 granola bars and a slice of garlic bread, and 2 cups of almond milk. WTF.......wow....bad....lol
Ahh.....
I've been SO busy...and then so sleepy in between. And suck at this blogging thing pretty much, as a result. Boo.......
This weekend, I swear I'll do my best to catch up on all my reading and stuff....
Thanks for the comments, everyone.....sorry I keep just...disappearing lol
Not in the right way unfortunately :P
I'm so nervous about going to work right now. I'm eating tons of carbs.......
I was supposed to be sleeping. Instead I downed 2 granola bars and a slice of garlic bread, and 2 cups of almond milk. WTF.......wow....bad....lol
Ahh.....
I've been SO busy...and then so sleepy in between. And suck at this blogging thing pretty much, as a result. Boo.......
This weekend, I swear I'll do my best to catch up on all my reading and stuff....
Thanks for the comments, everyone.....sorry I keep just...disappearing lol
Not in the right way unfortunately :P
5.3.09
Short and Sweet
Guys..........I FOUND a JOB and ......got it!
I've been insanely busy with that. Sorry I have not posted in a while.
I have been exercising every day for the last week, somehow, miraculously.
I feel thinner, but I've gotten a recent phobia of weighing myself until I feel sure that I've lost weight lol
So I think today I am limiting myself to one small meal, and then after that....in the evening,...which is not my usual procedure, but oh well....I will weigh in!
I gotta run right now...but tonight I'll have time to read everyone's updates and talk some more....
Bye!
I've been insanely busy with that. Sorry I have not posted in a while.
I have been exercising every day for the last week, somehow, miraculously.
I feel thinner, but I've gotten a recent phobia of weighing myself until I feel sure that I've lost weight lol
So I think today I am limiting myself to one small meal, and then after that....in the evening,...which is not my usual procedure, but oh well....I will weigh in!
I gotta run right now...but tonight I'll have time to read everyone's updates and talk some more....
Bye!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
