Baaaaah..humbug.

So I dunno where that came from but I am feeling inspired today. Does anyone else notice it's sort of a rush/high to sit down and write out all the numbers, a new plan, when you'll hit this weight and that weight, and how much you'll eat, what you won't eat, what numbers you won't exceed....
I lost my ability to actually stick to anything I wrote down, quite a long time ago. But that doesn't stop me from trying again lol. It feels good, like I have the solution, the control, or at least the start of it....it makes things look possible, the future predictable, and if you're only going to get thinner and thinner, then, why, thing can only feel better and better, right!?!?!
Omg I know too well this isn't true either. But shit....I can't stop myself. I had to do it, and I'm going to try and stick to it.
Shortly after I was newly bulimic (which means, actually fit the criteria more than enough and was totally lost to it, with scarcely any of my past anorexic behaviours remaining...) I got very addicted to binging on chocolate bars. I had to sell them for a band trip, but I ended up eating them far too often.
I would binge on the chocolate starting around my last class at school in the afternoon and keep going til evening, throwing in the casual purge (umm excuse that description lol)
After every few days of this I would grow sick of it, myself, and my weight etc, and then I would sit down and write out my plan of how I would completely stop the binging/purging from now on and lose all the weight super fast, and so on. And I would always plan to start it 'tomorrow' so during my plan-writing, happily engage in one last binge...
It was a recurring experience in my life at that time, as I would rarely stick to my plan more than a day. I finally 'stuck' to stuff again my 2nd year university, was restricting, etc, back to all that....then went right back into the bulimia, weight gain, whatever, EDNOS really I guess....and haven't really truly 'stuck' to anything since.
I dunno. I need to do something right tho....
And I don't plan for the extremes that I used to think were necessary...I've learned....
Trying to be healthier about it I guess.
But nothing beats finally getting back to restricting effectively, to the point of seeing the scale change rapidly.
Speaking of which, I'm back down to 163 lbs today. LOL....must have been water weight after all...