Happy Spring....

SO I've been totally missing in action....
I don't know quite how long. I'll have to check the date of my last post.
I've been amazingly busy with work and other stuff going on but doing well :)
Well, mentally, I feel well, better than normal. But I haven't been losing weight or at least I highly doubt it (I won't weigh myself, I'm afraid of how shitty it will feel to face the truth lol....I never used to be like thi...)

I can say, I have been exercising pretty much every single day. Mostly cardio, but I really need to get back into doing crunches, stuff like that...muscles!! I need them....lol

I feel sort of triggerred by the change in the weather. It is suddenly becoming quite warm out, and frequently sunny. I see spring clothes, some summer stuff even, coming into the stores around here, and I start thinking, omg I always feel so gross and fat and horrid and icky in more revealing clothes, especially during hot weather....I can't be like this yet ANOTHER effing summer in a row.
Plus my sister is getting married this summer and I REFUSE to be fat for that. It's been a long long long time since I felt thin and pleasant looking for a family event. Last time I was skinny at a family event, it was my grandfather's funeral. Yeah, I know it's retarded and slightly obsessive to care/remember, but I guess that's the ED....
I always felt disgusting being around all my aunts and cousins that all seem gorgeous, and totally hip and confident and such....
My mom has a huge family btw....so there are a ton of them lol...
And their all super talented, hysterical artists, and it makes everything so fun and inspiring....
But of course feeling fat somehow has to overshadow it all. lol...figures huh...

Anyway, back to my point..ummm....
Yeah. I am off to a good start with the exercise, but the food....omg I've been eating so much. I want to lose at least 15 pounds for my first goal (as you may have noticed I failed miserably on my last 'plan')
I've been purging a lot more lately, but I plan on putting that to a stop before it gets out of hand. It comes too easily and ugh....then it just wears me out. And then when I get phyiscally exhausted I tend to eat worse and more impulsively.
I dunno. I just can't believe it's the end of March and I have nothing to show for it. At least my figure has nothing to show for it....
My sister is coming to visit the end of April and she is OBSESSED with dieting and exercising and shit and cleansing fasts, ever since she decided she wanted to fit into a certain size for her wedding. She likes to imagine that I have no regard for my health (she has no idea about my ED) that I don't KNOW anything about health, calories, nutrients....like she's actually a damned snot about it and acts like she knows better than me. Hello...this has been my fucking obsession since I was 13, 14 ish....she doesn't seem to remember that pretty much EVERY book on health in our home, or bit of info or half the stuff she's learned was a direct result of me, when she was a kid, picking up on it as she grew interested (in highschool she decided she wanted to learn about becoming a naturopath and ended up going through all the books in our house related to health, so it was maybe moreso then)

Ugh ok rambling...
How do I say this...
I guess I don't want to feel like my fat ass is going to 'prove' to her that I am 'disregarding' my health, and have no control over myself. It's not so much because I have to prove myself to her, but that it would kind of feel like a victory for me, and at the same time she'll have no right to make any comments if she comes home to find out I've made far more progress than she has since she got engaged. She's lost like...5 pounds....lol and that's great for her, she's not even large to start with, and she likes the whole healthy 'slow and steady' thing (which is smart but I doubt I could handle it haha)

I guess I feel competitive. And partly that I've craved some real-time competition for a while in hopes it would 'trigger' me back on track. Blah....

But it feels even better if it's somebody who has criticized your body and eating habits in the past, to one-up them on weight loss or anything like that.
At the same time, it'll be great to motivate eachother to exercise and all that too.

Ok. So I am going to assume I am back around 165lbs. My first goal is obviously then, 150 (-15)
But ultimately, I'd like to think that I can get down to 145 before she gets here. Then I will be well under the 'overweight' line for my BMI and feel somewhat good, and that is a weight that looked rather ok on me (compared to 160, 170 something)
Not thin, but much much better lol
I am saying this based on photos, I of course thought I looked hideous last time I was at that weight, because I was gaining after having been anorexic and still had some major body image distortion...
So I hope the photos I have from then are not lying lol

Anyway, maybe by the end of April I will manage to hit 130. By then we'll be getting some even warmer weather, and I should feel a heck of a lot better about it by then..
That's all I'll 'plan' for, for now....
Going to sleep!