OK. So I gave up on everything, and somehow it was very purposely, like...I dunno. Maybe not, maybe it's this OCD thing, but beteween attempts to fast I feel like, okay I'm going to restart, so I have to eat what I want for a few days and then eat really healthy to sort of prepare my body to fast. And then it gets extended, which I did not intend but...I know what I'm doing. grrr....

Tomorrow is the limit. I am going to eat one whole wheat pita in the morning with veggies, maybe a bit of cheese. (Bad I know) And then the rest of the day is salad and maybe a fruit smoothie. And then some psyllium to make sure my body is erm..moving things along...
And then I begin my fast.
Fast will include teas, herbs, water....MAYBE supplements if I can handle them, but they tend to be hard on the stomach and make gross burps if I am not eating with them. So we'll see about that. In any case, the fasting shall commence.
I am aiming for a week.

Also, I have a little challenge for myself, to exercise 45 minutes daily for the rest of Feb and through March. Fasting or not. Just to really get my silly self back into the habit because I am lazy as crap and need it desperately. I don't really care if you're not supposed to really exercise a lot during a fast. It won't be that much anyhow...45 min minimum...

That is all I have to report I guess.
Wish me luck! :-)

I've been really out of control today, eating a LOT of high fat food....
I dunno what the hell is with me....

Cheese, noodles, cookies, chocolate, buttery popcorn, cheese, more cheese, grilled cheese sandwich, gravy on fries....wtf

WTF


Sigh....I don't feel like i ate very much somehow, just small amounts of a lot of bad food....
It's not the worst thing ever, but just....not great..and pushing me backwards.
I'm 165 today. Retaining water, so it's probably lower in reality...
Water isn't real weight lol not if it's not my normal retention.

I exercised about a half hour today, but that's not great considering how much I need a lot more exercise in my life...
Um...yeah, and then napped the rest of my day. SO I think that is all I have to report...
Nothing, no drama, no excitement, nothing new....that's about it...and I'm sleepy! lol

I am absolutely horrendously burnt out and was SO busy all day....
But I had to drop in and report that I am down one pound - to 164.5
Ugh been there so many times now. When is it actually going to go down down down...under 160, under 150...
Why haven't I been able to control shit for sooooooooo long.....
Anyhow, have to pick up the pieces from somewhere, and be patient I guess.
Not like it was going to happen overnight, or anything; I knew that. But it's all the realizing that I keep going above, below, above, below this weight, keep hitting 160something over again and celebrating it like it was a huge step. No, it's just the norm now.
Ah well, could be worse. I could have shot back up into the 170s or something insane like that. Or gone back up to my high weight and then some, as the books all predict yo-yo dieting and imbalanced eating habits will cause...
Yeh. I'm too tired to be ranting coherently lol So I say goodnight now!
Hope you are all well and having slightly more successful days than mine haha

Starting over. As usual.

Hello !
I am re-starting the fast. Because I'm sick of not being able to actually do one. And I'm going to keep trying until I get it right.
End of story...lol

So, I didn't post cuz I was away for a while and didn't have really any time to spend online or an internet connection that was reliable...
But I want to start posting properly again AND losing some effing weight properly....
I am not giving up, and thanks to those encouraging me to keep going... :)

I really have nothing new or fantastic to say, life has been uneventful. No job still...this is common these days it seems....everyone I know is getting laid off, but I'm supposed to find a job? hmm..

There is basically 1/3 of the month left. I want to knock off 5 'real' pounds by March 1. I want to lose 15 pounds in March. Then 15 in April, and 10 in May. That will have me at 120.
After that I'll see where I want to go.

Yep, I wasted time and had to re-make my schedule of goals. Always freaking happens....
I stopped caring for so long, which maybe saved me, but I am making some serious changes now. I hope they'll be closer to healthier changes, but regardless, they will be effective.

Life is gross.

Okay....
Job interveiw was really stressing. Made me really upset with myself. Binging commenced. Weight gain ensued.
I have nothing I really want to type about extensively at such a time as this.
And I pretty much suck at life....

I'll be back when I am in a better mood...

I am 161 lbs!

I am 161 lbs today!!!!!!!

I am completely surprised. I was only down to 164 yesterday but by the end of today, I am at 161.......wonderful.....

I have to run right now, but I had to come here and report that, because I totally did not expect it.
Very happy...lol

So totally stupid stuff....I forgot about this dinner thing with my mom's church that I was supposed to go to and help out with today. And I ended up eating because I needed energy and was so sleepy and weak, partly due to sleep deprivation, partly the fasting.
I had salad (not bad, and no dressing...) I had a vegan mushroom/rice patty thingy...and a tiny piece of this sesame flatbread stuff with hummus.
It was healthy and I ate very very little because my stomach always shrinks incredibly fast when I ..fast...lol......
But I am still a bit ticked and feel like I was sabotaged by unseen forces haha.....

Ughgh....oh well...

I found this new trident gum that strengthens enamel today, and bought it. I think I probably need it this day in age.....after years of bulimia and whatever else.

I am trying to comment on everybody's blogs but my internet connection is being super shitty tonight and keeps screwing stuff up, erasing stuff without posting, all that crap.

I exercised today, walked for about an hour and a half and ran around a LOT with my cousins kids as well. It was satisfying, I am sure I burnt off the stuff I ate today at least.

Thanks for the comments, everyone! Sorry to make another rather uninteresting post, but hopefully I'll be back in the game tomorrow, and not sleep deprived for ONCE in my damn life haha....bad habits more than anything are the cause of this, I won't lie....

If I think up anything I'll come back and post more. For now I think this is a sufficient update. I haven't weighed myself today and have a terrible aversion to it at the moment. I think its just this whole psychological thing of knowing I ate when I was supposed to be fasting and losing weight, etc.

I fasted successfully today. I don't feel too bad or hungry or anything....
My weight is 165....no change, or is that a half a pound UP? Bleh, I am done caring until I've been at this a bit more.

I'm soooooooooo tired lol....
So that is all I am going to post for now. :)

More stuff that I wasn't going to stay home and do instead of exercising at the mall LOL

Okay, so I tried the link that was suggested to me...http://www.prevention.com/mvm/main.html (Thanks, R Harlow B)

And I think they are very.......positive.....and all that. But I had to put my weight up to 180 before it really looked like me! And my height to 5'5... but that's more because I am in between 5'5 and 5'6 with the curve in my back and was playing it safe lol

It was cool to see and all. And I also think I would look a lot smaller at 114lbs. At least less boobs :P

Anyway, regardless, it was fun to try out.....

Here be a screen shot....

Mmmm yes....mmhmmm.....yawn...

I'm 164.5 lbs this fine day.

Still working on the blasted fake weight. But, this number is a lower one, and that is the ....idea...

I have plans. I have a mini trampoline in the spare bedroom next to me. I should plan for an hour of trampoline -related indoor exercise on that daily. Since I am shit for going outside in the winter.

And then I need to make a plan for calisthenics styled workouts....just simple stuff I can do indoors, and without equipment, of course...

And today I have to go out. So I am going to go to the grocery store, and wander for an hour, and then to the mall, and wander like crazy, just to burn calories. And I have no money, so I can't possibly buy anything. Just enough for bus-fare home right now. And maybe a pack of sugarless gum.

I'm obsessed with wandering through grocery stores. And then also malls, to look at all the skinny clothes. Maybe I will try shit on and bring my camera lol.... ah that seems like a ridiculous amount of changing for nothing on a day where my head is spinny-tired-stupid like this.

Maybe on a skinny day I'll do that....

Yeah. So when I come home, I go straight to work on my workout/trampoline stuff homework, plan out everything to do daily, all that. Yeaaah.

I need to do this fast and effectively, NOW before I start working. Because then I will be able to far too easily use "I was faint and had to work a 12 hour shift!" as an out and I am not the same as I used to be with fasting. At all. This became impossible a couple years ago, in fact lol....

So we'll see.

P.S. If anyone wants me to do the same to their before body shots, as in the post below...

Email me your photo at nikkithebeanbag@gmail.com

I will see if they are do-able. Some angles I just can't black out effectively.....some lighting, some backgrounds, whatever....

I enjoy doing it, and I'll need something to occupy my time if I am fasting the next little while here :)

Call me an obsessed freak but....

I felt it absolutely necessary to do this for my personal motivation.....

I went into photoshop and blacked/smoothed off what I perceived to be useless lumps of soft fatty flesh lol. I did a quick job, and a terrible job of the legs, but it's good enough for me....

I just needed to see what I could look like if I stick to everything.....and obviously/hopefully I will look more human, properly shaped, than this lol.

So any guesses of how much fat needs to come off for me to actually resemble the shape of the girl in the blacked out photos?

I'm thinking 35-40lbs and some ass toning exercises lol

Feeling a little defeated but not giving in....

Yeh. So I am 166lbs on the scale right now. Which is all false weight change anyway. But my obsessive mind has required me to come here and post it anyhow.

I ended up eating an egg, a piece of apple pie and half a bagel today.
Not fasting like I had planned.
Oh, and a glass of greens+ which I wanted to use for my fast. It's this stuff with all sorts of herbs and a base of wheatgrass basically. I dunno if they have it in just Canada and the USA or who's heard of it/used it. But you'll be hearing about it a lot on my blog because I plan to do fasts with just greens+ for sustanence and detoxification purposes. Actually the variety that I have right now is called "Daily Detox" and I think it will be great for doing a 10 day fast.

I have to take this seriously and start now, because I am very upset with my body/self/weight and sick of letting it go. It IS GOING TO CHANGE this time.
Anyhow. Thanks, everyone for reading, and your comments....

I think I'll leave it at this for tonight, unless I think of anything I want to come back and post haha...
G'night friends!


EDIT: You can all quote me on this later and make sure I follow through. When I lose weight and take new body shots, I will compile them and have before and after shots put together in one post then.
I personally love seeing other people's before and after shots. It is very inspiring and encouraging. And btw, if anyone has any or knows of good sites with lots of weight loss before/after shots, do share!

167-pound body shots. The puffy flab monster.

These body shots are so heavy, they'll probably bring the whole internet down!!!!!!!!!

Bleh.

Okay, so I was more thorough this time, and did a front and a back.

I have scoliosis and it's particularly irritated and stuff today, so I look very lopsided.

Another reason I am probably never going to look right or good in my entire life. But whatever, I'll do the best I can and then die young, or something....

Seriously, I just look gross and terrible. This BETTER be some serious hardcore water rentention or something. Really. I will freak if it's not. I've had enough....

What the shit.......

Seriously. I just went and weighed myself. I am 167. And the scale hasn't been broken or re-set or anything since my last weigh. And I'VE BEEN SICK AND LIVING ON TEA FOR F***'S SAKES!!!!!!!!!!

167?
WTF! wtfwtfwtf......what the fuck?!

aaaghghghhhhhhhhh

So, for anyone who may not have read past, that is one pound higher HIGHER than when I started.
What the shit is that all about...
I am on my period actually, but I never retain water usually, for that, and especially not when I'm drinking tea. Black and green.

Unbelievable. And I look so fat right now that I actually took a new body shot. Will post that as soon as I am done being too pissed to give a rat's ass.

Something for something.

I had to come back and post this for my own use and inspiration.....
I got an email from a friend, and she had sent me old pictures she found of us in Florida in highschool. I remember this year quite well. It was before I went anorexic actually. So...this happened to be a pretty complete body shot, tho I happen to know those capri pants made me look really weird in this picture (and in real life, I had them for years...) and not entirely accurate of how my upper thighs really were. Nonetheless, I can still use it to help me. The thing is, I am 135 pounds in this picture. (I remember getting weighed in gym class....I think I probably remember what I weighed every year of my life since then). This is at 5'6. And look at the size of my HEAD. Okay, the one I drew over it to conceal my face, is very much larger. But my real head? It's TINY. (So, just believe me on that....) And my body should be sooo much more narrow. So if I look like this at 135lbs (and had lots of muscle from walking and working out at this time, but clearly plenty of flab overlaying)....well 135 is like the mid-way point for what is healthy for my height I think. I really truly do NEED to get down to the lowest healthy for my weight, according to my bone structure. I am sure of it. Otherwise I will go through life looking awkward like THIS. Argh...
My chest looks fleshsy and mis-shapen (not that it was anywhere close to done growing, but still....ew...haha). My hips were a lot narrower at this point in time, thank goodness tho, because something had to grow to create the illusion of a waistline, seriously.....
Okay, I'm probably getting ridiculous and no doubt still have major body image issues. But then again, looking back, at a picture like this, of me, i don't blame distorted body perception for my starting to diet and starve myself at all. I was not exactly hot or spectacular looking in any way possible. Omg I will never let my thighs get that muscular again tho, either.....so weird....
I was trail biking sometimes 4 hours a night after school back then.....

I keep saying shit and then thinking wow, my body grew and changed so much since then, why does any of this even apply....why would I let myself freak over this picture...and decide my goals based on it....lol...and then the next minute, i just can't help it, it's almost infuriating. Maybe the fact that when I did finally lose weight and become underweight that year, I never ever ever once felt I looked any different, and nicer, and in fact felse worse and uglier....and I'm not over it or something. In some stupid juvenile way. It's almost like, sometimes, I want to get back down to that lowest weight, whatever it was roughly, and this time SEE IT, and enjoy it. Actually experience it in place of some distorted idea of what I am.



OK. So to create some counterbalance, here's a photo I found recently that I found rather inspiring and triggering..... Katherine McPhee's dog.
Yeh. lol....no, it's her of course. There is something about her that reminds me of me, and this particular picture I really liked. So it'll be good for thinspo. She's not like super emaciated or anything, it's my own personal preference I guess, here....





So this is the 2nd post I've made today, and I should probably stop being a night owl and shuttup and go to sleep. I slept all night last night, and then til 4pm, plus feeling not sick anymore, so naturally I am wired and ready to take on the universe, at 4am. (Blogger's time is completely off for me, btw....anyone know how to set that?)

Okay, later!

I got SO freaking sick with this ear infection. I haven't had an ear infection since I was sooo little and it killed. It started with this freaky pain in my mouth actually, and then later made itself clear that it was stemming from my ear. And I couldn't chew anything. And then my ear started ringing and I kept hearing sloshing noises when I'd move my jaw, which was absolutely disgusting. So, yeah, that's why I missed a day or two posting or I dunno how much time has passed actually. On the bright side of it all, I basically took shitloads of supplements, immune boosters and meds, slept for almost 24 hours at a time, and I am already feeling much much better, aside from the chills/fever a tad still. And dizzy as shit lol
Oh wait, on the brighter side, I haven't eaten really....anything? At all.....
I had a bowl of chili the night before, in an effort to down garlic, cayenne and herbal stuff that is good for heating up your blood and fighting infection, and then I pretty much haven't even been conscious since then lol
I haven't weighed myself just because I have such horrid chills I dont' find it worth the effort to take off all 4 thousand pounds of clothing I have on to do it...whatevers tho.

So, here's the other thing. My mom tells me the other day that she wants to go to my cousin's baby shower. (To see all her family members too, and they live quite far away...) I didn't think she would, having work and all that going on. But anyway, I saw who all was invited and omg I don't want to be me, or fat, around half her friends, and even some of my relatives. Which is shallow and I shouldn't give a damn, but I really need motivation of any kind ANYWAY right now haha.....
And the shower is in 10 days... So actually, I just noticed while I was on the phone earlier this evening, this pair of jeans I have that fit me quite long ago when I was 150 lbs. (and obviously did not stay there. boo. ) I had dug them out the other day and then flung them up on my shelf to figure out which ones they were later. And then today it occurred to me which jeans they were. And that I can wear those jeans, 10 pounds from now. And if I fucking cared enough, that could, really really truly COULD be in 10 DAYS from now.....
If I really actually busted my ass. I've done 15 pounds in a week, 165 down to 150 actually. But that was under some extreme conditions that I don't forsee myself putting the effort into. (Let alone, maybe it's not even possible for me anymore).
I think 10 is enough to ask.
So I dunno if I'm actually down to 160 or not, but regardless, when I weigh myself tomorrow, and see what I am, I expect the scale to say 10 pounds less than that, in 10 days. Period.
That is one of my projects for now I've decided.

Ummmm......in other news, I got the interveiw for the job I was talking about applying for and all that crazy stuff, the other day.....I'm very excited about that lol...and nervous. I haven't had a job in about 5 months....
I feel so unprepared and socially idiotic and weak for this...bleh
But oh well, I gotta try something, somewhere, someday....

Alright. Time for the body shots. I found an older picture of me a year ago and Iknow I was 175 around that time...

And now a body shot for 163lbs....

So, that is all for now. I haven't weighed today, or have anything really to say yet, but here be body shots!

I found this girl on the web, and I can't believe her legs....

Evelina Mambetova I think is her name.

Anyway, I took a body shot of myself and then my camera battery died and so I'll post it tomorrow after I have recharged it. Blah.....I can't believe her legs lol.... I won't want to post the picture of myself now because it will be the most disappointing contrast to these photos......

I know that my body structure and height would never allow me to look like this, just as Mary-Kate Olsen, for instance, at her absolute thinnest, could never possibly, simply because she has shorter legs, but wider hips, or something, you know what I mean. It has nothing to do with fat. That is a sad reality, because there was once a time when I thought that while having lost tons of weight, yet still not looking like that, could only mean that I simply needed to ....lose more weight. It's a rather illogical existence.

Regardless, I found the pictures somewhat astounding and they inspire me nonetheless. Attainable or not, it reminds me that thin looks so much better than...me....

I couldn't sleep all night so far. It's terrible....I have an appointment and I'm going to be so horribly sleep deprived with raw nerves, gritty eyes and a burning stomach. That is the inevitable result of sleep deprivation for me. I don't understand why my stomach freaks out from it. Drives me nuts. Neither eating, nor fasting relieves the condition, but I have a tendency to eat, convinced that some substance in the appealing food item at that moment will mimic the effects of a good night's sleep. Absurdities like this....

Well, last night I couldn't sleep. Woke up, binged on.....
This is embarrassing. Don't ask me why. But I actually binged on healthy food. Whole wheat chipotle wraps with kidney beans, lettuce, salsa, onion, red pepper, some other veggies I'm too dull to think of right now, and of course a bit of cheese.
Absolutely binged. And then purged it.
I HATE IT when I purge healthy food. Maybe the cheese sent me over the edge, the thought of it got a bit obsessive....but seriously, it's such a freaking waste lol....ARGH.... I feel genuinely guilty about that. Not about doing something harmful or screwed up like purging, but about purging healthy food. Sounds like my logic.
Ahhh oh well, moving on...as always..........

Now for the GOOD news.... Somehow after all that (not to mention drinking a ton of water, so I know it's not dehydration) I was down to 163 lbs today. I didn't weigh myself til after suppertime (which I didn't eat) but i was 163, which is 2 pounds less than the last weigh...
Three pounds total.
Now when I am at a heavier weight and lose, since it is easier, and you hold more water, etc at this size, and all that, I consider the first 5 pounds false weight. Weight that comes off because less material is moving through your system, your body lets go of some excess water, all that jazz.
Not 'real weight' lol....
But just like any real pound of flesh, it must come off. If that isn't coming off, there is a slim chance I'm losing weight. So it's a great sign.

And shit....I forgot a body shot again....
I'm going to come back later tonight and do that I think. I have to run rather urgently at the moment. Plus I like an excuse to come back and write more I think lol.